Parenthood

The blog starts as a warning to all those who have considered blogging for the first time. 

Don't.

Long ago, when my sister wrote her blogs on International Terrorism, I was one of the first to tell her all about grammar, syntax and the importance of short sentences.

I had never considered "no sentence" as a problem.
It is now, especially at the start of a blog. You stare at the html screen and search for the phrase that would reveal to the world your wit and erudition- and instead the words "Gooli the Bully" loops on in your head.
Getting to the point, and your money's worth (assuming that Internet time = money), the topic that I can write on with some expertise is Domestic Terrorism.

Anyone who has a child (preferably a son- daughters, and I am being sexist here, but so is the way of the world- daughters, bless them, are generally sweet and wonderful- and if they can smear their faces with mashed bananas and chocolate and wear a Donald Duck dress- then all's well in their world). 

But anyone with a son below 3 years would wonder about why Sherlock Holmes kept going on about Moriarty and what's the brouhaha about  Blofeld.

In 2005, HCL ran these ads to show that it was a young, vibrant company- some of these were like this.

Fearless campaign

Very true- I don't mean HCL's claims- they may be as true or false depending on what you believe- but the fact is that young kids are fearless.

What they don't add to this is- not only are they fearless, they crave danger- they actively court it with the determination of a telecaller on his month-end target interrupting your dinner . 

Try a simple test- in a room keep a box of toys, a cot with soft cushions and smiling teddy bears, and a switch that has been connected to enough charge to blow up the rest of your house(check out any of the Tom & Jerry cartoons or the Looney Tunes stuff for instructions).

Then introduce a child to that room and watch where he runs.

                                                                                                    

     


(Source:  Looney Tunes)

On second thoughts, don't. The knowledge of your child's proclivities does not compensate for homelessness.

So we know, while you are reading the blog, your child is fearlessly trying to destroy your house. Under such circumstances, the question that you will naturally ask me as a responsible parent is "Do you think they'll make Blue-II with Lara Dutta and Katrina Kaif?"

No seriously- you'd be asking "As parents with a mortgage and a debt trap of former Czechoslovakia, what can we do to counter this menace without having to go to jail or having to pacify our kid for the next 3 hours?"

Here are 5 things that you must remember.

1. Use your experience: Unless you are a teenage parent or an episode of Balika Vadhu gone wrong, life has given you enough experience to counter the machinations of your progeny. They may have the speed, but you have the experience, the anticipation.
Remember you have superior skills.

For example, my stint as an opening batsman in my school days has helped me immensely while handling my son. Just as you follow the course of the bouncer from the hands of the bowler to the point where it passes harmlessly in front of your nose- similarly concentrate on your toddler's hands, especially when you are feeding him mashed peas.
The hands will flail outwards to build the necessary momentum and then zoom in, depending on whether the child is right or left handed, from one side to land on your face. This is when you need to bend your knees, sway the head and duck. Use the momentum to push him outwards as you return to your normal stance. Look out for the other hand since toddlers are notoriously ambidextrous. 

(Source: Cricinfo)

That's all there is to it. You will need a bit of practice however- the footwork's tricky at times. I suggest a few rounds of this when your wife is handling the child would do.

2. Conquer your ego, Don't be afraid to ask for help: This may sound Zen Buddhist like, but as Lord Rayden mouths this super philosophical line to Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat

(Source: Google Images from God knows where)

Like all military generals and successful corporate combatants, it is crucial to know when to ask for help.

Picture this scene. Your apple of the eye/jigar ka tukda etc. etc. walks into the room, casually tearing his diaper straps. In any minute the room will be a smorgasbord of potty, pee and resultant tears. As a concerned parent, do you

1. Run out of the room screaming

2. Deal with it. Have done this a million times before.

3. Pretend to be working and immediately minimize the screen shots of Angelina Jolie that you were surreptitiously looking at in your laptop.

4. Ask your wife calmly for help. Carry the baby to the wife, if necessary. Slink out of the room till all the mess has been disposed of.

Now unless you are a mother of 1-2 kids, option 2 is out of the question. And let's face it, while option 1 is the easiest to execute, it makes you look like a terrible wussy and will always be a chink in any argument with your wife. 3 is unworkable- the first thing that your son will do is to run to your laptop after he has finished doodling with his doody.

The 4th choice is the only workable option- it leaves you looking mildly in charge- and if you can imbue enough dignity to the proceedings and can do it fast enough to avoid your wife suggesting "Why don't you do this yourself, for a change?" - it would give you a fuzzy man-of-the-house feel and you can use the escape time to continue watching Angelina Jolie.

So, remember- be a man. Ask for help.

3. Use Technology: Modern man has a big advantage over his Pleiolithic counterparts- 50% Discount Sale.

No- actually- it's Technology. It is ubiquitous. It is all pervasive, all encompassing. It is all consuming too, esp. of your bank balance.

Technology gives us the tools to counter the threat of the toddler-dom. I suggest the creation of a state of art network (voice, video and data) for those times when your wife, in a fit of dudgeon, goes shopping- leaving you with the nipper. 10 mins after she leaves- he will either

a. Poop on the floor and wail

b. Run and bang himself against the wall- and wail

c. Poop on the floor and run and bang himself against the wall- and wail

An investment into external noise cancellation headsets would be advisable in the circumstances.

You will need to give your son one of the phones (nothing else distracts your little angel from the job of destroying your house- than the opportunity to dismantle a phone). You can use the other one to call your mother. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her of the countless wonderful days that you spent with her, how even now there is nothing to compare with the food that she makes, and how young she looks (if you can get her on webcam).

Then plead with her to come here. Pronto.

(If you have the webcam, shed a few well chosen tears. Should work like a charm).

4. Prepare, Prepare: The damages from the Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina and floods in Bihar- are prime examples of the government not being prepared for disasters.

Any husband will tell you- preparation is the key to a full head of hair and a reasonably happy wife. Before you proceed with your reading, there is one truth that you must accept. It is self evident when you realize it, but like all simple truths, complex to comprehend at first.

"Your son is an anarchist".
Once you accept this- all other steps will fall in place.
To illustrate- imagine a party where they have set the table for dinner. See the picture below. This is how you see it.

(Source: Somewhere in the Internet)

This is how your child sees the same scene.

What do you do when you face such a scenario in your house, in the restaurant, in the hotel room, in a neighbour's place, at your boss's house etc. etc.

Preparation is key. Put yourself into your son's messy socks and soft woolen shoes and see the world anew.

(If you are having difficulties imagining, see the same scene as a jehadist terrorist who has stumbled upon Uncle Sam's drawing room. List down what you will do).

Got it. Good!
(Before you act to avoid any of this from happening, we must warn you that tying your child in chains is illegal and can lead to imprisonment).
In your house, it is important to tie everything that can be tied down. The rest can be coated with thick woolen covering ( when you want to save your house, a sweater or two is a small sacrifice). Move the movable stuff out of reach. Cover the rest as much as possible.
And remember, there is always duct tape.


5. Let it go: Beyond a point, realize that when you gain the affections of a cute looking junior - these affections come at a price.
It starts with your cell phone. Destruction of your cell phone inevitably spurs your little tyke to greater and bigger things. Like the microwave, the laptop, the DVD player, all the remote controls.
One day after that he decides that he needs to take down a bigger prey. The TV.
The best advice for a father at that stage is to accept the inevitable-embrace the stage of Vanaprastha and realize your inner saint.
Remove your attachment to any worldly possessions- especially anything sleek from Apple. Toddlers love sleek- it invigorates them into a stomping frenzy.
Let it go.
After all, you'll be doing the same to your money the moment your son reaches college.
Let it go. Think that it was never yours (Even if you paid 18,000 Rs. for that Ipod Touch 16 GB 3G).
Let it go.


That's it friends. My 5 points to a better you- a better human being and a better parent.


As they say, Parenthood is almost always Parent of the Hood.