What is your child thinking

A simple test to differentiate married and unmarried couples:when you see the title of this post, if you are unmarried and you are dating the sweet someone, you'll blurt out-"Let me first figure out what my girlfriend is thinking?"

(Sometimes it is better not to know)

It is a fact of scientific definitude that marriage metamorphoses your girl friend, who as you know is a national/ international woman of mystery (depending on where you met her) to a paragon of predictability. The drum rolls of happiness that you heard when she espied you give way to eye rolls of exasperation. Sigmund Freud who often pondered "what does a woman want" spent most times working and remembering his mother- and very little time around his wife (Which was all very good, else he would have pondered, like most married men do,"What does a woman not want?")

(I want my Mommy)

If you pause and think- it is quite simple- after the woman has done the bulk of the hard work and brought the bundle of joy into this earth, all she wants is some peace and quiet. A cup of tea/coffee, some serials/books to while the time, a clean enough house, intermittent moments with the baby- and a tray of non-fattening chocolate pastries.

Instead, she has a wailing, screaming gargyole, the house looking like the remnants of Indo-Pak joint beautification drive and food cold enough to single handedly solve the global warming issue.

At this point, while you slink out of the room as fast as you can, since you know that the baby has soiled its diaper again (actually, to be fair to you- you don't. No father knows what's the matter with the baby, except that it is something foul and revolting and can only be viewed from a safe distance)- well, as you slink out of the room, all that the woman- who is the pearl of your eye, your noor-e-jahan, your precious heart-throb is thinking is-"Wait till I get this baby to sleep- then I will cut him apart, piece by piece, with the meat cleaver".

(Time for a strategic withdrawal from the scene)

Now I know what you are going to say: "One moment, Sandeep- 

1. I do not slink out of the room- more of a brisk walk or a very manly canter

2. I don't have a meat cleaver in the house, rah rah rah

3. Was that awesome dish that they used to make at Samrat Dhaba called Chicken Noor-e-jahan or Chicken Mumtaz"

The quick answers to that are of course,

1. You can't call that a canter- more of a meander, really. Sorry but you are not as fleet of foot as you once were.

2. Anything sharp will do- and if your wife is in a particular malevolent mood, she'll actually prefer skinning you with something blunt.

3. Neither- it was Chicken Khatun-e-Zannat, in honour of the first queen of Turkey who loved Labradors. It actually tasted awesome because we were too drunk to differentiate between chicken and bits of charcoal.

So, back to the main topic- what is your child thinking?

There is a short answer and a long one depending on whether your child is a girl or a boy. I don't want to sound sexist, but if you are a parent of a boy, now is pretty much a time for you to stop reading.

Stop. Pause. Consider.

Do you really want to know the terrible truth? Would you rather not spend the rest of your life in blissful ignorance of how bad it's going to be? Wouldn't it be better to go through life like the woman in the Ramsay horror movies, wearing an oversized  towel and walking into the dark, dingy hovel to explore the reason behind the scary noises she heard when she was taking a shower (while she got drenched in either the remains of a Holi jamboree or tikka masala gravy).

(I said, dye, you morons, not die)

Yes. You do? Fair enough, not that I didn't warn you.

To get rid of the parents of the girl child- and even though this blog is democratic and suffused with the spirit of bonhomie- one draws the line at the comfortable, happy parents of girls. They are simply insufferable and deserve all the pitfalls fate can give them, just to make up for the huge advantage of having been blessed with a baby girl.

So I say, let's get rid of them from this blog, so that we can have serious men and women about, people who have seen and are seeing suffering up close- in short- parents of boys.

Since the topic is what's your child is thinking and some of the children are sure to be girls (not if Haryana had its way!!!)- let's first understand what the daughter is thinking.

1. She wants to be good. And pretty. And to be loved by all. And to be the beau ideal of best behaviour.
2. She wants to take care of her family. It starts with her Barbie doll, followed by her father and then her mother. As she grows older, the parents take a step upwards in the order of priority.

Priorities:
Age: 0-1: Milk, Toy, Mommy, Daddy
Age 1+-6: Barbie Doll, Daddy, Mummy
Age 6+-12: Daddy, Barbie Doll, Cute Boyfriend, BFF Girlfriend, Mummy
Age 13-17: Daddy, BFF Girlfriend,Cute Boyfriend, Hrithik Roshan, Salman Khan, the World, Global civilization, Some Mass Murderers, Dictators, maybe Mummy
Age 17-25: Daddy, Cute Boyfriends...................................................................................Mummy

Age 25 & above: Daddy, Mummy, Husband, BFF Girlfriends

3. If you are her father, congratulations. Good for you- you made it. You are going to be someone's hero, all your life. Her husband, if he does combine the strength of Superman, the charm of Casanova and the brains of Homi Bhaba, will come a poor second. If not, then the comparison between him and you is too ridiculous to contemplate.

Which leaves us to the key question: What is your son thinking?

To all the parents who have huddled over the remains of crashed and mangled cycles, broken electronic items and costly china, large sticky spills and a smörgåsbord of talcum powder, cosmetics, three day old rice and sand mixture and an assortment of stuff - all on the floor and wondered, "What was he thinking?"- worry not, heave a sigh of relief- for the answer is at hand.

To answer this question, we must at first combine various sciences- Physics, Psychology and Communications  & Chemistry- for a complete understanding of how your son's mind works.

Physics: The Concept of Space-Time:
It is a fundamental fact that your concept of space is completely different from your child's.

Space:
For example, when you come back and recline on the sofa, while switching on the TV to watch re-runs of India vs. Sri Lanka (It is actually a new game you are watching, but these are so frequent these days- like diet resolutions after the Puja holidays- that you wouldn't know the difference)- you are on the sofa, watching telly and probably sneaking out the box of sohan papdis that your wife had tried to hide in a dark corner of the refrigerator.

Look around you. What do you see?

Dad: "2 side sofas, 1 table, 1 TV stand and TV, the sexy nude that I bought in the name of art hanging on the wall, my bag of crisps"

Mom: "Dirt on the carpet, side sofas with the covers askew- they need to be washed NOW!!! Those food stains- GOD !!!!! Isn't it clear enough to any mean intelligence- oh oh oh, is that sauce???
The centre table where everything is spread out, is this a drawing room or a dissection chamber- mess, mess, mess everywhere- GOD!!!
Why can't the books be stacked at one side-does it really need me to come every day, all the time and adjust things, and keep papers together- oh my GOD, is that a dal stain at the edge of the table- how do these people live???
The TV seems to have a year's layer of dust on it- I am sacking that maid tomorrow- and oh, oh ,oh- crisps on the table, crisps on the floor- crisps everywhere on the sofa- oh my GOD, it is an invasion of crisps (as an aside, given the no. of times she invokes GOD it is no wonder that women are more religious than men) etc. etc. etc.

The Child: The child does not see the living room scene in any of the above two ways.

He sees the living room as an extended obstacle course.

When he sees the living room, he thinks: "Ok, here's how it will go.

I'll try for warp acceleration on my sturdy superbike and bounce off the edge of the table to generate the necessary spin to orient my craft upwards.
The tricky bit is going to be side sofa but if I can climb it by releasing supersonic velocity through air power (or what you adults call screaming), I can run up the wall and bounce off the main sofa and swerve mid air to the TV-
if I can do this well enough, I can crash into the heart of the TV, thereby finally destroying the beast that lurks behind the dark LCD screen".

(No wonder boys are good at Physics)

Time: 
Any parent of a boy would know that there a three major playtimes for his toddler- the 9 am to 12:30 pm shift (morning playtime, where the major activity comprises of running with his eyes closed- normally happens in the playschool), the 3 pm-10 pm ( divided into 3 different activities: "House Annihilation": 3 pm-5pm, "Playground Rampage": 5 pm-7 pm and "War at Home": 7 pm- 10 pm) and of course, the 3 am to 4:30 am slot.

Unlike the US Presidential elections where the 3 am call was just a poll ploy, here you will have to be ready for it- it starts with gradual stirring at 2:45 am, culminating into a full fledged wakefulness at 3.
At this point, your child will be thinking- do I dance on my parents to wake them up or just do a cheery tring tring while I wheel my cycle around the bed? In most cases, he shows a broadminded approach to the issue and compromises by doing both. Any move on your part to get out of bed to make him come back to sleep is seen as a beginning of an hour long peekaboo game of "Get to the Bed and Run out of it OVER AND OVER AGAIN".

(or I can use my pram, I am not choosy)

Under such circumstances, the question any parent need to ask himself/herself is: Are you ready for the 3 am call?

Hillary Clinton may be- but she won't be coming to your bedroom at 3 am anytime soon. Not if your child is a boy.

Psychology and Social Communications:
Most boys are experts on all things neurological and can get on anyone's nerves in minutes. In fact, it is an erroneous assumption that the girl/woman is an expert on social networks and communications. Far from it- in fact, primary research amongst all the members of the social network of the boy child suggests an unusual strong bond in that network, based on the universal agreement of the pestilence value of the child.

Boys trigger social communications like no other. The act of herding the boy into the school bus, then goading  him into the school, rallying him in the playground, and finally dragging him from the playground to his house involves deep cooperation of various entities. Controlling the Brownian motion of a boy's movement in a room filled with breakable items is  a group enterprise rivalling the level of cooperation as seen in the last days before the opening of the Delhi Commonwealth Games.

We could do the research and prove it- but any parent of a boy would know- every moment of his day (when he is not asleep, of course- the angelic look that most boys have when they are asleep has led to so many parents ignoring the beast within and realizing it too late when the boy spends the evening trying to somersault onto the dining table)- anyway, every moment of the day when the boy child is awake strongly necessitates close cooperation of at least 4 individuals (all in their prime of health and fitness) to avoid any major mishaps from happening.

Girls- bah- they can be supervised by one person- in fact, not even that, in most cases.

Chemistry:
All boys are chemists at heart. From the time your one year old upset his bottle of milk in his urine (which he had deposited on the floor in the spirit of scientific enquiry) to your toddler who gleefully wades into the pool of stagnant rain water- it is their deep abiding love for all things chemical- and the proclivity of starting something combustible- that is at play.
Show me a boy who hasn't succeeded at, or, at least tried, burning his eyebrows and I will show you a liar or a sex change operatee- if that's the word I am searching.

So while you potter around in your house, your child has noticed 5 different things:

1. The bottle of water on the dining table
2. Massage oil that you kept at the bedside and forgot to keep it out of his range
3. The bottle of cleaning liquid under the sink
4. Talcum powder on the dressing table
5. The ink bottle (his holy grail, really) that you have inadvertently left nearer the edge of the study table, which can be induced to fall off by pulling at the table cover

If you really want to know what he is thinking right now, i.e. in the elegant words of maths,

d/dx (this blog)= "What would happen if I mix all this right now and smear it all over the wall"

With this, I must end this blog.I have tried to tell you what your child is thinking. I have also added, as a bonus, your thoughts and the thoughts of parents like you.(Even the thoughts of the girl child, though strictly speaking, that's not worth a blog). 

I'll leave you now, I know you have work to do.

Btw, that doesn't come off. It is better to re-paint the wall.

Parenthood

The blog starts as a warning to all those who have considered blogging for the first time. 

Don't.

Long ago, when my sister wrote her blogs on International Terrorism, I was one of the first to tell her all about grammar, syntax and the importance of short sentences.

I had never considered "no sentence" as a problem.
It is now, especially at the start of a blog. You stare at the html screen and search for the phrase that would reveal to the world your wit and erudition- and instead the words "Gooli the Bully" loops on in your head.
Getting to the point, and your money's worth (assuming that Internet time = money), the topic that I can write on with some expertise is Domestic Terrorism.

Anyone who has a child (preferably a son- daughters, and I am being sexist here, but so is the way of the world- daughters, bless them, are generally sweet and wonderful- and if they can smear their faces with mashed bananas and chocolate and wear a Donald Duck dress- then all's well in their world). 

But anyone with a son below 3 years would wonder about why Sherlock Holmes kept going on about Moriarty and what's the brouhaha about  Blofeld.

In 2005, HCL ran these ads to show that it was a young, vibrant company- some of these were like this.

Fearless campaign

Very true- I don't mean HCL's claims- they may be as true or false depending on what you believe- but the fact is that young kids are fearless.

What they don't add to this is- not only are they fearless, they crave danger- they actively court it with the determination of a telecaller on his month-end target interrupting your dinner . 

Try a simple test- in a room keep a box of toys, a cot with soft cushions and smiling teddy bears, and a switch that has been connected to enough charge to blow up the rest of your house(check out any of the Tom & Jerry cartoons or the Looney Tunes stuff for instructions).

Then introduce a child to that room and watch where he runs.

                                                                                                    

     


(Source:  Looney Tunes)

On second thoughts, don't. The knowledge of your child's proclivities does not compensate for homelessness.

So we know, while you are reading the blog, your child is fearlessly trying to destroy your house. Under such circumstances, the question that you will naturally ask me as a responsible parent is "Do you think they'll make Blue-II with Lara Dutta and Katrina Kaif?"

No seriously- you'd be asking "As parents with a mortgage and a debt trap of former Czechoslovakia, what can we do to counter this menace without having to go to jail or having to pacify our kid for the next 3 hours?"

Here are 5 things that you must remember.

1. Use your experience: Unless you are a teenage parent or an episode of Balika Vadhu gone wrong, life has given you enough experience to counter the machinations of your progeny. They may have the speed, but you have the experience, the anticipation.
Remember you have superior skills.

For example, my stint as an opening batsman in my school days has helped me immensely while handling my son. Just as you follow the course of the bouncer from the hands of the bowler to the point where it passes harmlessly in front of your nose- similarly concentrate on your toddler's hands, especially when you are feeding him mashed peas.
The hands will flail outwards to build the necessary momentum and then zoom in, depending on whether the child is right or left handed, from one side to land on your face. This is when you need to bend your knees, sway the head and duck. Use the momentum to push him outwards as you return to your normal stance. Look out for the other hand since toddlers are notoriously ambidextrous. 

(Source: Cricinfo)

That's all there is to it. You will need a bit of practice however- the footwork's tricky at times. I suggest a few rounds of this when your wife is handling the child would do.

2. Conquer your ego, Don't be afraid to ask for help: This may sound Zen Buddhist like, but as Lord Rayden mouths this super philosophical line to Sonya Blade in Mortal Kombat

(Source: Google Images from God knows where)

Like all military generals and successful corporate combatants, it is crucial to know when to ask for help.

Picture this scene. Your apple of the eye/jigar ka tukda etc. etc. walks into the room, casually tearing his diaper straps. In any minute the room will be a smorgasbord of potty, pee and resultant tears. As a concerned parent, do you

1. Run out of the room screaming

2. Deal with it. Have done this a million times before.

3. Pretend to be working and immediately minimize the screen shots of Angelina Jolie that you were surreptitiously looking at in your laptop.

4. Ask your wife calmly for help. Carry the baby to the wife, if necessary. Slink out of the room till all the mess has been disposed of.

Now unless you are a mother of 1-2 kids, option 2 is out of the question. And let's face it, while option 1 is the easiest to execute, it makes you look like a terrible wussy and will always be a chink in any argument with your wife. 3 is unworkable- the first thing that your son will do is to run to your laptop after he has finished doodling with his doody.

The 4th choice is the only workable option- it leaves you looking mildly in charge- and if you can imbue enough dignity to the proceedings and can do it fast enough to avoid your wife suggesting "Why don't you do this yourself, for a change?" - it would give you a fuzzy man-of-the-house feel and you can use the escape time to continue watching Angelina Jolie.

So, remember- be a man. Ask for help.

3. Use Technology: Modern man has a big advantage over his Pleiolithic counterparts- 50% Discount Sale.

No- actually- it's Technology. It is ubiquitous. It is all pervasive, all encompassing. It is all consuming too, esp. of your bank balance.

Technology gives us the tools to counter the threat of the toddler-dom. I suggest the creation of a state of art network (voice, video and data) for those times when your wife, in a fit of dudgeon, goes shopping- leaving you with the nipper. 10 mins after she leaves- he will either

a. Poop on the floor and wail

b. Run and bang himself against the wall- and wail

c. Poop on the floor and run and bang himself against the wall- and wail

An investment into external noise cancellation headsets would be advisable in the circumstances.

You will need to give your son one of the phones (nothing else distracts your little angel from the job of destroying your house- than the opportunity to dismantle a phone). You can use the other one to call your mother. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her of the countless wonderful days that you spent with her, how even now there is nothing to compare with the food that she makes, and how young she looks (if you can get her on webcam).

Then plead with her to come here. Pronto.

(If you have the webcam, shed a few well chosen tears. Should work like a charm).

4. Prepare, Prepare: The damages from the Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina and floods in Bihar- are prime examples of the government not being prepared for disasters.

Any husband will tell you- preparation is the key to a full head of hair and a reasonably happy wife. Before you proceed with your reading, there is one truth that you must accept. It is self evident when you realize it, but like all simple truths, complex to comprehend at first.

"Your son is an anarchist".
Once you accept this- all other steps will fall in place.
To illustrate- imagine a party where they have set the table for dinner. See the picture below. This is how you see it.

(Source: Somewhere in the Internet)

This is how your child sees the same scene.

What do you do when you face such a scenario in your house, in the restaurant, in the hotel room, in a neighbour's place, at your boss's house etc. etc.

Preparation is key. Put yourself into your son's messy socks and soft woolen shoes and see the world anew.

(If you are having difficulties imagining, see the same scene as a jehadist terrorist who has stumbled upon Uncle Sam's drawing room. List down what you will do).

Got it. Good!
(Before you act to avoid any of this from happening, we must warn you that tying your child in chains is illegal and can lead to imprisonment).
In your house, it is important to tie everything that can be tied down. The rest can be coated with thick woolen covering ( when you want to save your house, a sweater or two is a small sacrifice). Move the movable stuff out of reach. Cover the rest as much as possible.
And remember, there is always duct tape.


5. Let it go: Beyond a point, realize that when you gain the affections of a cute looking junior - these affections come at a price.
It starts with your cell phone. Destruction of your cell phone inevitably spurs your little tyke to greater and bigger things. Like the microwave, the laptop, the DVD player, all the remote controls.
One day after that he decides that he needs to take down a bigger prey. The TV.
The best advice for a father at that stage is to accept the inevitable-embrace the stage of Vanaprastha and realize your inner saint.
Remove your attachment to any worldly possessions- especially anything sleek from Apple. Toddlers love sleek- it invigorates them into a stomping frenzy.
Let it go.
After all, you'll be doing the same to your money the moment your son reaches college.
Let it go. Think that it was never yours (Even if you paid 18,000 Rs. for that Ipod Touch 16 GB 3G).
Let it go.


That's it friends. My 5 points to a better you- a better human being and a better parent.


As they say, Parenthood is almost always Parent of the Hood.